Some might never believe this, but I’m convinced that a body makes it’s own party drug. Mine does it all the time. I’ve been awake at night for quite a long time. On the other hand, I fall asleep during the day. At noon or early in the day this irresistible sleep drags me to another couch. My body starts to shake. You know the kind of shakes you have before falling asleep. My on and off switch is not very subtle. Likewise for the deep sleep that follows (and I still hear the sounds of the surroundings). When I woke up; I slowly land into the world, feeling weird intoxicated by Bacchus(well I hope I chose the right one here ;-)). Anyway I had much time to think about life itself. My food intake had reach a dramatic point as I had only drink one shake. No thirst, no appetite. For the first time in years I was bored. Any subject I had interest in I’ve read about. But I like to feel free, I like to move. My spirit is designed to move, dance, walk, run. It belongs to my configuration – the set of parameters that make me an unique human being.

Time to change!

Reprogram the mind; stir up the mind. It was already early in the evening; after my second fresh-up-and-warm-up-shower; I got the spirit. Let’s walk in the evening. That’s good for the night’s sleep. Just a small walk.

Yeah – but it happend that Kane was the first song to play on my Ipod. Suddenly my legs carried me further away from my home-prison. Further away from disabilities into an unknown future of possibilities. I would go where ever my legs could carry me. And I went into the darkness, into my past and faced my fears. A dark lonely road, a silent wood of shadows. But me grew phoeniciously out of the depth of my soul. What ever the consequences, what ever the sleepiness…..I had to do this. It was my call – my nature called me – and it was a strong call of spontanous activity.

I made it. Just how I wanted it.

Back home I changed cloth, sat on the couch with my daughter. A fleece cap and blanket wrapped around me. The cold had set in, but the shake was awesome. Definitely a personal X factor. A light headache tells me I need to lay down and so I go to bed.

Than it happens….

My mind is drogated with adrenaline and has an alertness no Red Bull can give me. In bed my legs are restless; move all the time. Meditation doesn’t help – I can’t sleep at all. My arms are restless too. I move and toss and turn…..than like a black cat hunger creeps into the playground. And if I’ve learned one thing is that I have to obey hunger signals. If I don’t; dizziness will come, like the cramps. So one banana, one date and some aloe-water coming up.

The disaster…

The night was full of human party drug. I couldn’t sleep at all. More wake than ever my body showed it has a mind of it’s own. The feedback loop is broken and to catch up the mind pours just a bucket full of hormones into my system.

And the victory….

Like an angel devil in yin yang space.