My daughter is home now. I went to bed more tired than ever. Suddenly it creeps up in my body. I don’t know what it is; but I fear it. The feeling is Oh God not now. Something is happening. I place my hand on my chest and feel my heart beat. It is fast as it is running away from something. Than I close my eyes and feel me in my body and try to sleep. But sleep doesn’t come and Alice is tumbling down the hole. Shaking and bumping through the tunnel of her mind. Her mind is bright.
I decide to check my pulse and put on my wrist blood pressure measuring device. My heart beat seems to have skyrocketed. I quickly try to regulate my oxygen intake.
Alice is back . Her eyes widespread and paralyzed with fear she puts the second pillow under her head. It relieves the tension a bit. But she already knows that if she needs to, she will be awake all night until her body returns safely to the real world. From a journey where strange headaches predict a new chaotic balance. Angst and death rehearsals. The state you wish you had no body or mind, so it couldn’t tell you how it messed up things.
I can’t see Alice as she tumbles down. I have no mirror. I only know a tactic withdrawal from the sleep. I tell my Alice to calm down as I in my minds eye talk to her. Concentrate love – it will be alright! But Alice has her eyes wide open and stares unfocused into the emptiness of her room. Where stuff seems to become a part of an frightened reality. Why does it always feel like dieing?
A punishment for that one soda drink or that small glass of beer. Alice won’t know. She is only happy that the tumbling has stopped. She can now slowly try to crawl into the room of dreams to see what kind of world it will be tonight. And all this while her heart slows down. Pom pompom pom pompom……pom pompom pom pompom………