I saw My Sister’s Keeper yesterday. I accidently zapped into it. A beautiful film about living full and than giving it up. It was the classic story, the kind people would tell you in awe and horror. With lots of throwing up, hair loss and hospital vacations. The five star rates; where everything is expensive.

I didn’t die; I lived….but I came close to the experience. It was almost serene, like floating in a big blue ocean. It was good…knowing that my body and mind would surrender. I slept almost 24/7 in a Sleeping Booty tiredness. Yes I gained some weight…..and did the ‘death rehearsals’ in between. A painful choking dizziness. Each day until I got tired of it; of my body acting like that.

Sometimes we have no control over our bodies. And with me it was all the same. I still have to get used to being mere normal. To trust my body again…..even when I fall less quickly asleep; I have a twisted bio clock. It ticks and turns in a strange habit shifting day and night.

Anyway there are the good days and bad days. The triggers that suddenly take you time traveling into the past and than slowly awake you in a kind of uncertain blurry future.

I lived and lost…….tiny fractions of life. Now I am building it up against all odds. Just with a difficult body.

Christmas Day……….I’m still here…….my life….my quest……I wish you well in life with yours…..

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