I just woke up from my dream. A very vivid dream. The house was neat with light wooden furniture. We had beds with light blue cotton sheets and I could feel them and touch them.
The dieting makes me more tired and I fall into these deep healing sleeps. For the first time I’m not being chased or haunted on the stairs of the house. In fact my children joined me and I saw them when they where little. Smart and funny kids who gave me a hand full of work.
So on a night like this I recreated this family feeling that I have been the protector of; the gatekeeper of the family bond. Filtering and judging every possible threat. As a scanning monitoring device I kept an eye on everybody’s well being.
I lost that fight because I could not recognize the dark luring motivations of a predator. It was not only because of too many people had their influence; it was also because many suck when dealing with relationships. Many only know the idealistic rules but no one knew the actual meaning of bonding.
And I learned that because of my adoption. I’ve been interested ever since in the way family bonding works. I had to because I had somehow intuitively learned that bonding was the main principle of holding everything together. And I had lost my family. I can’t remember why they had sent me away. There’s no record of that in my memory. I only know the bright lights and glass hallways of the airport. I had nightmares about bright lighted hallways with automatic doors. And these doors closed behind me and I was spited out into a totally new world.
My illness was one of the major events that caused my meltdown. As the reactor and family motor I became overheated. And I had not succeeded in passing on my skills. I tried gently for many years; showing why these things matter by being an endless example. And maybe you can call me a control freak, but than I tell you this….. The moment you are born you had to deal with others controlling you. Our businesses are run mostly by controlling every step in the process. So who doesn’t learn unconsciously to be controlling?
My only bad has been that I have taken every opportunity to keep my family healthy and strong. And I even had to depend on others who were not that nice. Being a mum and being sick is quite a job. I haven’t forsaken that one for a moment. I’m a soldier and will be on the battle fields of life until I die. Because I’m a girl.