Suddenly you finds yourself in a very different situation. Memories have taken me back into the nightmare zone.
I’ve been dreaming of certain towns. At first I visit them and everything seems okay. But then I see peoples faces, they hunt me; and in my dream I get dizzy, an itchy skin. Some strange sensation in the body. Like insects that sting you from the inside out.
The hardest thing of all therefore is my brokeness. The fact that these experiences are the result of a treatment. The one that saved my life also destroyed it. In a split second the tables turned. Blurred vision and eyes that feel uncontrollable. I keep them closed avoiding the light while I wait until I have enough energy to hold them open again. One gain, one loss.
My brains have lost it. Spelling mistakes tell me that the information received gets lost in the process. No accurate feedback mechanism to turn on. I got all my e-tools as my defense. Use them or lose them; that is what brains are.
In my dreams I’ve looked for land and in that process the driver (my son) takes risks. I tell him, but his stubborn blindness takes me down. A huge deep trail in the soil turns into a lengthy gap that gets a firm grip of the car. It derails and turns sharply before rolling over and over again. And seeing myself crash with full consciousness and the awareness of my ignored warning signals cuts slices of my heart. Bound to the laws of freedom I can only watch myself struggling against the ignorance of people that belong to my life. Who are a part of me and chose to ignore my signals.
Sometimes you stand with your back against the wall. And there are no options left. They slap you before taking the kids. Each time the same pattern.
Chronos is an old man
And he lives in me
Illness is a vicious predator
Of a heart that bleeds
State of mind
Is a territory
In the sea of signals